There's a Fine Fine Line

This song's on my LSS and playlist and driving CD... for now... :

THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE by KATE MONSTER
from Avenue Q

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Tired

I am at a standstill. Because I choose to be here right now. When everything around me is moving about in a whirlwind pace, I choose to be at the middle of the tornado and just let everything go by in a blur. To feel nothing, to be immune of all pain and suffering and tears, for a change.

I am so tired. I am tired of straying away from the questions, because I only know the safe answers. I am tired of saying that I am ok, when there are days when I am not. I am tired of being strong, of staying optimistic despite the drama that is my life. I am tired of being the person who willingly solves others' crisis, despite my own tragedies. I am tired of asking why's, because I know that there are no answers. I am tired of cliches.. there is too much theory and assumptions and movie pick-up lines already I cannot process everything anymore. I am tired of being the one who remembers the details, the little things that remind me so painfully of the loss. I am tired of feeling guilty for all the wrong things happening lately, when I couldn't control them nor make things better like I used to. I am tired of complaining when I know I have no right, because other people are going through so much worse. I am tired of crying, of thinking that this is over.. when the next day proves to you that you can actually even sink lower.

Because right now, I just want to get away.. from it all. I am tired, and I am sick. The stress is apparently taking its toll on me, and I don't want to second guess what the doctors are not telling me. I am scared, because of the danger my life faces now that I cannot tell anyone, and that I must face alone.

I am lifting everything to Jess, to neverending prayers, to my own little angel up in heaven. Because no matter what, I still have hope. That tomorrow may finally be a better day, a new beginning. And I would no longer feel tired. And then I can smile again.