Looking Back at 2008 | Looking Forward to 2009

It's been a while since I blogged, and as I read through the archives, I realize that much really has happened for the past months that I wasn't really able to write about. 2008 has been a rollercoaster of highs and lows, triumphs and defeats, falling in love and heartbreaks. Let me count the ways:

• Inang Romana: Started the year with an early Farewell, to my beloved Inang who passed away at our ancestral home in Munoz. Will miss all your cooking, all the thoughtfulness and concern, and the support you gave me growing up. We Love you Inang.
• Hwong Khong and Hawaii: My 2 International Trips this year: the first one as a birthday present for me and lowlah, the next one as part of Prefplus. And I was granted 10years on my US VISA.. enough to save up for my next trip to New York! yay!
• Fenoflex Grand Launch: Yup, was working on V-Day. But no worries, because everything was still all red (including me).. roll out the red carpet for 520 MDs who celebrated with us as we launched my baby into the medical community! Cheers!
• Trip Around Pinas: Provincial launches for Fenoflex followed, which meant plane-hopping from one key city to the next.. phew! Tiring living on a suitcase, but I loved all the travel so bring it on! :)
• New GM: Goodbye Sir Lyle, Welcome Sir Nomer. A lot of adjustments in the office with the new management, but we're all hoping for a good change with LRI.
• PMG Resignations: The production numbers ain't the same without Badet, Gino and Steve. Best of Luck to you guys. See you around :)
• Falling in, and out, of Love. Met, loved and was heartbroken three times this year. I never really wrote about them, but I remember spending many sleepless nights daydreaming and then crying afterwards. This prompted so many reunions just so I can get my share of compassion and sanity from the support group, which is why I'm truly thankful for the friends. One thing I was able to prove: the heart truly is a resilient muscle, for it now begins to hope and beat again for someone new.. hopefully, someone whom I can share 2009 with...
• Nina Judan Jiao: I will miss my little angel. I know that somehow, Justice has been served. May you be in Peace now with Kuya Jess :)
• iCOMPLI Launch: Finally, was able to launch my patient program after two years of concept, development and testing. Next year, go nationwide!
• F@#k my Knee... Again!: Got another major one this year. Good thing I was able to put it back (weird but required skill my brother and I had to learn over time)
• Health Scares: Had multiple lab tests done this year, one for my platelet problem, and another for that breast scan. I was cleared for both late this year, thank goodness. Health is Wealth talaga.
• Won the UL Raffle: Count 'em and Weep (because I did cry when it all sank in): 100grand baby! One Word: Grabe. Ang galing! Ang saya! Thank you thank you Kuya Jess!
• Reunions, reunions, reunions. To Eda, Drew, Marc, Ling, Banchettos, GSM, my Babies, New Orleans Girls, Lowlahs, KwaiLuhs, Haberdeis, AIESECers, Dazers, and all my friends who lent their time to listen and gave their shoulders to cry on, who flooded my inbox with the sweetest and thoughtful messages, and who have supported and cheered me on through all my joys and sorrows this year.. I raise my glass to you. A girl could not ask for a greater group of true friends. I Love you All.
• Judanskis. Batas, Hustisya. Kwatog. You are my life, thank you for all the wisdom, guidance, support, prayers and love. Mahal ko Kayo.

There are many blessings to be thankful for, and many lessons to be learned from the past year. But like many years past, I AM EXCITED for the new year.. a chance to start anew--a clean slate, a new beginning. Let's see how many I can tick off for next year:

• Health: Join a dance class / Hiphop Abs and drop down to 125lbs.
• Wellness: Monthly Facials and Hot Oils, plus update new wardrobe.
• Travel: an Asian Trip, and a New Philippine City Trip.
• Arts: A Concert, A Play, A Book/CD Signing and a Sports Event.
• Attitudes: Be more professional, come to meetings on time, and deliver all commitments. Curse Less. Drink Less.
• Finances: Spend Less, Save More. Zero Debts. Open a passbook account: Deposit at least 1000 every month.
• Career: More FOCUS. Do Homework and come to the office prepared. Develop more relationships with target MDs.
• Self-Development: Enrol in MBA in Ateneo. Learn a new skill: Photoshop!
• Friendships: Meet and catch up with all the chapters at least twice in a year.
• Love: Introduce to the friends and the family. Keep in Touch. Enjoy each other and cultivate relationship :)
• Family: Have QT for each member of the Family (Sta Clara with Mom, Billiards with Julius, Travel with Dad)
• Spiritual: Continue my Morning Prayer Rituals. Share more blessings everyday.

Happy 2009 Everyone! Cheers!

Holiday Traditions

Christmas has always been magical for me, and when December strikes, I'm as giddy as the next kid who opened her toy from Santa on Christmas Eve. I love everything about Christmas: the carols, the lights, the food, the cool December air, and the traditions most especially. I'm a big follower of traditions, and I was happy to have been able to keep most of them this year:

• Simbang Gabi. I wasn't able to complete it, but I heard very meaningful masses with the people who mattered: My First Night alone at Greenhills Chapel (great way to reflect and welcome the Advent), Christ the King with Ling and Hangad Singers, Dawn Mass at Christ the King (again) with Family, and Gesu Church with Drew and Ateneo Chamber Singers.
• Amusement Parks. Star City with Monna and Jeff after our Star Theater Musical Extravaganza with Hairspray. Perya galore! :)
• Christmas Tree. Decors with Mom :)
• Christmas Lights. Trimmings with Dad :)
• Bibingka and Puto Bumbong. Wasnt able to taste puto bumbong yet, but i've had my share of hot bibingka. Yumyum!
• COD. Finally got to watch the whole thing, after a month of driving by and parking at Greenhills. Theme for the year: Reuse, Reduce and Recycle!
• Tiangge. Maxed out my bonus at Greenhills Tiangge.. got new PJs, new lacoste shirts, new crocs, new nike sports shirts, and more gifts for the fam! Happiness is Tiangge!
• Christmas Carols. St Lukes and Medical City Residents regaled us with a round of Christmas Hymns. We Wish you a Merry Christmas!
• Exchange Gifts and Kris Kringle. Something Red and Hot (Chinese Lip Balm), Something Green and Healthy (Del Monte Pineapple Tidbits). Something White and Light (Zonrox). Haha!
• Reunions! Haberdei. KwaiLuh. Big 40 with AIESEC. New Orleans girls. BSP. LRI. Judanskis. Morales. All nighters na sunod sunod! But it's nice to reminisce and catch up and be thankful for these wonderful people who have made my life truly rich and inspired.
• Misa de Gallo. Christmas Eve Mass at Christ the King :) Family Pictures beforehand!
• Noche Buena. All our favorite food: Angel Hair Carbonara, KFC Bucket Meal (my recipe!), Red Ribbon Coffee Crunch Cake (again, my recipe! haha!), My-Caroni Salad, Novellino.
• Opening the Gifts. Got a lot of purple stuff this year: purple bag, purple dress, purple hand bag. at least terno lahat! hehe :)
• *New* Gift-giving to Street Kids. New tradition.. be Santa's Little Helper and share the blessings with the less fortunate. Nakakatuwa sila :) The happiness in the children's faces are truly priceless.
• Makati Street Lights. Mom's neck craned back and forth, coupled with some ooh's and aah's at Makati Buildings' Christmas Extravaganza as we drove by Christmas Day. Classic!
• Spring Cleaning. Nilagnat ako this year.. hindi sanay nang malinis ang kwarto! haha!
• Metro Manila Film Fest. I think we're watching Tanging Ina this year. hehe :)
• Fireworks at StaLucia. December 30th!
• ... and of course, my Christmas and New Year Blogs!

At this time of merrymaking and enjoyment, may we all still remember the reason for the season: the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

A Blessed Christmas to Everyone! :)

Rants and Shout-outs

Mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin, pero di ko pa nagagawa... or hindi ko talagang magawa. I was always scared of confrontations. But if I had the guts, I would really tell people off:

1. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!!! Leave me alone!

2. Tigilan na natin ito. Wala namang patutunguhan eh. Ano ba talagang gusto mo?

3. Bakit mo ko ginugulo? Ok na ako eh. Ok na tayo. Talaga bang kailangan nating maging "friends"? Hindi ata ako ganun ka-"friendly".

4. Lulubog. Lilitaw. Lumubog ka na lang kaya nang tuluyan?

5. You want the best of both worlds. Ang saya mo naman. Gusto mo makisaya ako lagi sa yo?

6. For once in your life, be a man and mean what you say. 

7. You don't think I can leave this all behind? Watch me. 

There's a Fine Fine Line

This song's on my LSS and playlist and driving CD... for now... :

THERE'S A FINE FINE LINE by KATE MONSTER
from Avenue Q

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Tired

I am at a standstill. Because I choose to be here right now. When everything around me is moving about in a whirlwind pace, I choose to be at the middle of the tornado and just let everything go by in a blur. To feel nothing, to be immune of all pain and suffering and tears, for a change.

I am so tired. I am tired of straying away from the questions, because I only know the safe answers. I am tired of saying that I am ok, when there are days when I am not. I am tired of being strong, of staying optimistic despite the drama that is my life. I am tired of being the person who willingly solves others' crisis, despite my own tragedies. I am tired of asking why's, because I know that there are no answers. I am tired of cliches.. there is too much theory and assumptions and movie pick-up lines already I cannot process everything anymore. I am tired of being the one who remembers the details, the little things that remind me so painfully of the loss. I am tired of feeling guilty for all the wrong things happening lately, when I couldn't control them nor make things better like I used to. I am tired of complaining when I know I have no right, because other people are going through so much worse. I am tired of crying, of thinking that this is over.. when the next day proves to you that you can actually even sink lower.

Because right now, I just want to get away.. from it all. I am tired, and I am sick. The stress is apparently taking its toll on me, and I don't want to second guess what the doctors are not telling me. I am scared, because of the danger my life faces now that I cannot tell anyone, and that I must face alone.

I am lifting everything to Jess, to neverending prayers, to my own little angel up in heaven. Because no matter what, I still have hope. That tomorrow may finally be a better day, a new beginning. And I would no longer feel tired. And then I can smile again.

Of Love and Being in Love... Finally!

Haven't updated my blog in a while... been keeping myself busy with multiply and work and well, more face-to-face interactions. Surprisingly, I even let my birthday slip past without writing about it. Hmmm, I guess I enjoy more in the story that photos portray. Or maybe I just needed to be in the mood to really write. Or I needed to have something interesting and inspiring enough to put me in the mood to write. Maybe both. Maybe all three.

But I do have some life-changing news to spare. What changed I guess, is my own attitude on blogging. For a while, I kept things to myself. I chose to indulge in this overwhelming miracle by myself, instead of the usual detailed report of all the roller coaster emotions I was feeling, minute by minute—letting the world know the ins and outs of my crazy mind and well, life in general. Which is apparently the trend my whole blogspot has adopted, now that I browse through the archives.

A lot has indeed happened over the years: change in careers, DAYS experiences, falling in love, getting heartbroken… and the cycle goes on. Even my perspective on life and people has changed in the few years that I have had the chance to write. Today, I choose to be more positive, hopeful, optimistic. More spiritual and forgiving. More goal-oriented and decisive about what I happen to in my life. More charitable and generous not just with my friends, but to strangers and people in general. More grateful for the multitudes of blessings Jess has showered on me.

Because there are truly a lot of blessings—2008 has been a good good year for me so far. I’ve fulfilled a lot of lifelong dreams in albeit a short period of time. I went to Hong Kong and rekindled my second childhood in Disneyland. I launched successfully a new brand to an audience of 500 doctors, all top medical professionals, my biggest career feat so far. I was able to renew my US VISA for 10 years. And... I met someone great. I fell in love.. for real this time :-)

This is my first "official" relationship (friends who know me from back then would totally understand! haha!) After all the miscommunications, what-ifs, hopeless frustrated longing... I finally met someone I have prayed for all my life.

I've always known that I would end up with a friend. I just didn't realize it was going to be this friend. Haha! Jess really works in mysterious ways. And the way things happened as well wasn't really expected, from both our ends, and yet I wouldn't have had it any other way. At times, I think about my life and think that maybe this is all too good to be true. That this is all a dream. I've been so used to being single and independent and forever searching, that sometimes it surprises me when I realize I'm already with someone and that someone I can truly share my life with. I'm still adjusting to the dependency part, as I've been so used to solving things on my own and solving other people's problems as well.. so it's a nice feeling when I can be all damsel-in-distress and let him worry about things for a change. At times when he tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful and all those sweet nothings (mushy moments that would really make other people cringe! haha!), I'm so tempted to ask him back: "talaga??" "sigurado ka??" Which of course I don't say out loud anymore. Baka bawiin eh. haha. Classic case of insecurity, of reality still sinking in. Can you blame me though? I've been told that a million times (yak, buhatan ng bangko!) but I just rolled my eyes in disbelief. For the first time, I want to believe that it's real. And that all these are truly meant for me, for us.

I think of us now and I realize that he is truly my male version, in so many ways. There is a sound reason, a greater power behind our paths being meant to cross. My friends and my family ask me, why him, after all this time? Besides all the qualities that make him so endearing to me, in truth, he is a good man, inside and out.. which is a rarity nowadays. What I'm most proud of, is that we're both spiritually grounded, as I've met him through DAYS community, and we both feel strongly about our work as staffers and our faith in Jess. And what made him stand out.. is that he was the only one who took me, who took us seriously. He was someone who envisioned a future, and was willing to make it work despite our crazy lives and busy schedules. And I love him more for that.

And yet, there are still many things that are different between us... and yet the differences help me learn new things and keep things more interesting for us. I now understand the beauty of believing in God's will and in God's time.. for if I didn't go through being single all of my life, of having unrequited feelings, of being made to hope only to be let down, of loving and losing... I would not be able to appreciate deeply the blessing of having him and this relationship in my life now.

Like what he always says... he cannot ask for anything more. And yet I do. I pray continuously for more happy days and years... that we may grow in love and faith and learn to become better people, better dazers, better Christians. I pray that He will guide us continuously as we begin this new life together, and God-willing, for the rest of our lives...

Basta ikaw Mochie, mahal na mahal kita :-)