Missing Sparks

Met up with an old friend yesterday, after about two years of no contact with each other. And I couldn’t help myself being overcome with excitement and anxiety both for the “reunion date”, that I started calling up friends, planned my wardrobe and primped even days before. I knew that I was only setting myself up for disappointment with all these expectations I was starting to build for the date, but I’ve always been stubborn so my friends (and my inner logic) just let me be.

Monday came and went, and it was really a very nice reunion. He looked good, happy and worry-free, evidently because he just resigned from his work and is now looking forward to greener pastures. He was the perfect gentleman and we had the most animated conversations. He even brought me a small gift… a sign answered from a prayer I asked from Him before our meeting. He was even the first one to text me that he had a great time—a habit I usually initiated first with all my friends (and dates included).

Though I admit I had a wonderful time catching up and hanging out with him, the “afternoon delight” would have been perfect… save for one thing: sparks. It’s the one thing I’ve always hoped for, and never really received. He will always be a great friend, but even long-lasting friendship that looms in the horizon pales in comparison to the promise of something grander—yes, that thing that makes the world go round.

I guess I’m at a standstill because I tend to overanalyze things, which eventually complicates matters even worse. But the simple truth is this—I don’t think I will ever completely forget nor get over this affliction (or addiction) of him, even if clearly there’s nothing else he can give me but what we have right now. So, it comes down to two (2) options—Option 1: I take the high road and accept us being friends, nothing more nothing less. Which means I stop hoping for something that I know will never happen. And I can really be more at ease and more open with him, not the guarded nor conservative nor proper girl that i'm projecting to be (assuming that is his idea of the perfect girl). Or, Option 2: Stop being friends with him altogether. Because sometimes it really is hard to smile like everything’s ok. Out of sight, out of mind, out of heart.

I’m still deciding. But I think I’m leaning towards Option 1. Because I’d rather have him here, right now, and enjoy the friendship that we have, as it truly is a relationship that I treasure, than not have him in my life at all. For now, I just have to put up a brave front and smile and cheer him on in his dreams, as if nothing is wrong. For now, I’m glad to have good friends around me who gives me comforting hugs, sound advice, distracting stories, listening ears and shoulders to cry on. Thank you thank you thank you. I’m so blessed to have friends like you.

Like everything else, this too shall pass. And everything will be happy happy joy joy again. Till the next date then.