A Broken Vow

After several months of not having any news about him, I broke my promise to myself by starting a conversation, again. A random joke turned into a whole day's worth of talk--from my upcoming trip to Bohol, to his Binggo raffle project, to "kandungans" and plane rides, to our travels and our longing to see Pagudpod (for cheaper rates!), to Eheads, to our jamming sessions, to guitar and piano lessons, to his bands, to our work and lives in general...


I won't deny that even the silliest talks with him always bring a certain smile and tug to my heart. I've really missed him so, and for a few hours, he really has made me happy. But when talks came to how we'd see each other, i mean, really see each other, our conversations waned to awkward small talk. It's a depressing cycle, and one that I wanted to end long ago, if only I had the discipline to stay away and keep my promise...


For anything else, I've already found what I'm looking for in him. But there's no commitment--what do I do with mere MUs? I'm tired. I'm tired of flings. I'm tired of dating aimlessly. I want to start something serious with someone who will treat me seriously. And unless he really makes the grand gesture of finally going to Manila to see me, and not just saying he wishes to see me all the time, that's the only way I'll take him seriously as well... Until then, I'm just his "girl from Manila", and he's "my guy from.. somewhere out there..."


The only problem is, I'm already tired of waiting for him to take me, to take us, seriously. How long do I have to wait? All my life, I've always been waiting. Maybe it's time for me to move on. I can't be friends with him anymore, because being friends really hurt. Because I'll always be wanting something more... I always had, even before we started this thing, even before he started to give me a little bit of attention. Long Distance Sucks. It's either he's in all the way or he's not.


I wish it was just as simple as that. I wish the next time he calls or texts, i can just turn off my feelings, just like that. But I can't. I still can't.


God help me.